What have I become?

Have you ever had that sickening realisation that you are an awful human being and need to change dramatically, but don’t know how to? Have you ever felt yourself being pulled into a black hole of pure venom and evilness and known it’s wrong, known it’s an awful thing to do, but done it anyway because you are at war with your own demons? Have you ever looked back on your actions of just a few moments ago with dread and extreme remorse for the horror and unthinking cruelty that you realise you have become?

No, of course  you haven’t, most people I know are incredibly wonderful people. My friends are good and amazing, my family is beyond tolerant, the people I work with are kind and generous. So no, chances are if you are reading this you are not like me, you are wonderful.

I have for some time had the reckoning that I am a horrible person. But I’ve fought it, I’ve fought the thought as well as the actions, and more importantly the words. Those cruel and unkind words that slip out in heat of the moment. The unwarranted and unnecessary battle against my loved ones. But it’s the instant switch that scares me the most, the change from “what a beautiful day” to “I’m going to murder you and anyone else who attempts to look at me” that occurs within minutes or even seconds.

I wonder who am I and what have I become? I am sure I was never like this as a child. When and how did I become this evil monster?

The telltale signs, when I overhear my friends talking and saying they love me, but don’t want to bring bad news to me “because Amelia gets scary sometimes”.  Or when I’ve just had a difficult client ask me to do a magical set up for ridiculously low cost and a colleague walks in and gets it ‘in the neck’ because of my frustration when just 5 minutes ago they were laughing with me. When my parents are chatting with me and jokingly speak about my cruel words, but with a sad look in their eyes and I just know that there is so much truth in those not so funny jokes.

But above all of that, one the hardest things is realising that despite all of my unkindness, my family and friends still stick by me. Realising what incredible, wonderful people they are, how tolerant and forgiving they are despite my sins makes me realise how unworthy I am of them and of this blessed life I have.

I love them all with all of my heart and mind, and I know they all care about me (heaven only knows why they still care) and I would give my life or kill to protect them. And yet despite it all, I just don’t seem capable of protecting them from the most insidious of enemies – myself.

I pray, not that I may die or disappear, as that would solve nothing. I am not the type to wuss out. Rather I pray that I can become a nicer person, that I can one day be worthy of the kindness granted to me by those I hold so dear. I try to find a way to fix my broken soul. And I go to sleep, yet again with tears in my eyes and wondering how did I become so bad.



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